Jamboree. The dictionary associates it with festivity, noise and entertainment. It’s rare to see a sober Nigerian politician. Sobriety is serious, sensible and solemn. The scarce commodity is solemnity. They might be a little sensitive, but they can’t be solemn. Of course, they can appear dignified like thugs when they approach the altar for holy communion. But they are never sedately and thoughtfully sincere. They are not all like raucous children in a colourful candy shop. You have to feel for them. They are not all like drunk lottery winners staggering about, enraptured. Perhaps they are more like lollipop-intoxicated kids on a trampoline by the beach on a windy but soothing afternoon. The exceptions are too few. Bouncing from one ceremony to another, oscillating amongst weddings, funerals, and birthdays, they have a short attention span and can’t meditate. Not entirely their fault. Their responsiveness and empathy are often gauged by their plastic appearances at some of these events. At some other times, they might stage parties along the road to commission tiny roads or boreholes. In the absence of thoughtfulness, tokenism must fill in the gap left shallow by policies. They are so busy they don’t sleep at night. The night is when they hold marathon meetings and grow their consuming appetite for power. What they can’t do is find time to meditate and think. Their itinerary is filled. They are perpetually surrounded by food and drink and pulled apart by exciting impulses. They can’t raise their head because the immediate universe is at their feet in worship. Even when the national resources are meagre and the poor must offer sacrifices in the name of patriotism to prolong their wretched lives, the politicians can’t give up feasts and revelries.
Dinner parties are thrown at the slightest excuse. When they arrange lectures or seminars to mouth sustainable development goals, climate change and the other concepts the international community forces them to remember, the events are so sterile that they benefit only the event planners and food vendors and other members of the organizing committee. But who can blame them for boring speeches. Now, imagine a politician being awake all night and having to read a speech written by a redundant adviser. He stammers and plods through the speech as the tired folks in the audience discuss Arsenal and Chelsea or other more important issues like the rivalry between Messi and Ronaldo. While the people are distracted, he lists his achievements which might include a 20km shabby road built over seven slothful years. Then the members of the audience will remember where they are and clap.
Perhaps that’s why we call them astute politicians. Astuteness is the ability to assess situations and people and take advantage of them. Don’t we all love the pictures that come out of their lavish parties. Yes, they represent us in everything. We feel proud when they live large before our own eyes as though they usurped the colonial masters and seized the good life on our behalf. We don’t envy them at all. We pray for them. All our big politicians have high national honours which they gift themselves like birthday cakes. The nation has regressed. The economy is in deep rut. Security has diminished. But all our politicians are highly decorated. They distribute the honours amongst themselves as if the honours would expire if not shared. So they take them and wear them on our behalf.
Astute politicians, isn’t it what we call them? Astuteness is the shrewd ability to read situations. Our uncertain situation keeps us nervously focused on instant gratification. Perhaps because we are too religious, society has become forgiving to politicians to the point of amnesia. So accountability is an abstract term in our public life. The collective is mentioned in propagandas. Religion, tribe and section are used to seduce and manipulate the public. The ruling ethic is self interest. But were self interest pursued in an enlightened way, our situation wouldn’t be so perilous. Because the roads leading to the houses of politicians, if nothing else, would be paved with marble to last a century, and world class hospitals would be built near their homes just in case medical ambulances can’t find the right weather to land or take off. But diabolically shortsighted self interest isn’t distinguishable from buffoonery. So for all the unbending proclivity for feasting , food poisoning would have them running to Lebanon or London.
After stealing an election, an average governor from one of the poorest states in the country would rather loiter around in Aso villa during the day. Most of them govern from Abuja. Then at night, he might sleep at a pool party surrounded by half-clad university ‘runs girls’. When the monthly federal allocation is ready, he will dash into his state and distribute a fraction of it. His aides might brainstorm over policies if they like, to keep the people engaged. In the spirit of tokenism and short-termism, he will announce one or two small projects and disappear. As elections approach, he might remember to build the first flyover in his state. He will call it a landmark project and a feast will be thrown to start it. Through all those projects, which must involve some construction, he will siphon money through the foreign contractors to an offshore haven. That will fund the purchase of election officials and votes during the next election phase.
Otherwise, he lives in Abuja. Focusing on the big picture. Lobbying for positions and privileges for himself and his friends. Tugging at the shirts of other politicians sharing the national cake. In his state, his boys will keep the mouths of critics shut with the stick. The carrots are for traditional and religious leaders and patriots and friends. Any uncommon obstinacy from a rights crusader or social media influencer will be resolved with a criminal defamation charge by the police while the big boss is jumping from nocturnal political meetings to feasts. Then, once the president is leaving town , he will join the flock to the airport. The traffic situation in the town notwithstanding.
The governor and other big officials will line up to see the president off and they will return to welcome him. Each of these activities could cost an entire day. With oversized convoys blaring siren, brushing aside law and order and receiving adulation from his docile subjects , the Abuja based governor must sometimes feel like a god. Whenever the man steps down from his gleaming car, he meets revered professors and traditional rulers fawning and genuflecting. The removal of the petrol subsidy will fetch him a larger FAAC allocation. When electricity subsidy is removed it will become even larger. If our politicians don’t remove frivolity and prodigality from their lives, the removal of subsidies from the poor will be a curse on our leaders.